So this post is not metaphorical. It is about a very literal nightmare I had last night. It was one of those dreams that leaves your heart pumping when you wake up and you are so unsettled you can't go back to sleep. The hubs was on his way to work (around 6 am) so I was able to tell him about it and get it out of my mind a little bit and get back to sleep.
Here's the awful, horrible dream. I was on some sort of tropical vacay with my fam. No spouses were there. Just me and my siblings with our kids. It started out with breakfast and I might have scolded Monkey. Not sure about that part. Then my other sisters showed up and were asking about bathing suits and whatnot. They left (I think they were with my kids, but like any dream, it's all full of holes and whatnot) and me and my other sister went out. Fast forward and it's late afternoon. I'm walking around with 3 others. We have a map of the area. There are 2 areas. The one that we were in, which was quite large, and one a ways away, where my little bungalow was. I wanted to get back to my kids really bad. I had been gone all day and just wanted to see them. I had a kind of pamphlet paper with a map on it, but the map wasn't helpful, and eventually the map disappeared from the pamphlet altogether. I was kinda freaking out at this point and might have figured out where to go, but me and my sister went back to inform the other 2 we were with that we were leaving. Upon going back, I found all my family. My sisters, my parents and my brothers. Once I saw my sisters, I assumed they had my kids. Lo and behold, they didn't. I about lost it. I was ranting about how angry I was and how they had been alone all day long and my oldest was only7. I was so peeved! Then I was in a room with everyone and one of my brothers teased me about worrying. I called him a jerk, or something around those lines and left. I finally decided to ask someone who worked there where to go to get back. She was practically ancient and not super sure, but pointed me in a direction. At this point it was past sunset and I was postal. There was another worker on the road and he confirmed I was indeed going the right direction. All I could think about was how scared my kids must have been that they'd been alone all day long in a strange place. I was just about to break into the fastest sprint I've ever managed when I woke up.
That's the nightmare. Now, I never had a nightmare like this until I had kids. But let me tell you, even writing it down makes my emotional brain revisit how awful it felt. I remember wanting to wake up and just hug my children and make sure they knew I would always be there for them. Before my kids, I didn't know such potent emotions existed. It was literally beyond my comprehension. These sorts of feelings started when I was pregnant with Moose. Just imagining what would happen if the hubs died, or what would happen to the hubs if I died. It was like I had joined the club of people who have regular anxiety attacks because they now possess a greater love than they previously knew was possible and the idea of anything happening to it has the capability of literally making my heart break.
At times I may be flippant about parenthood. We make jokes to get through the rough times, because it helps us survive. I once read that you can either cry or laugh about it, but since crying gives me headaches, I choose to laugh. And that's certainly true of parenthood. But let me leave no doubt that I take my job as a mother very seriously. These children are my life. I would do anything for them. Anything. And I'm sure any parent I know feels exactly the same way. It's just what happens when you join the club.
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